a year ago i cried.

a year ago was an ordinary day that turned out to be a day of mourning i didn't know i needed.

August 2nd.  Sarah's friend, Ava's birthday party.

i was two weeks late for my cycle.  two of my sisters had just found out they were expecting.  we were facing the possibility of three babies within a week. we were all hoping, to put it lightly.

i went downtown, shopping.   all morning i had been thinking that i was going to come home & take a test and find a positive.  i came home & I had started bleeding.  i was so, so sad.  mind you, i had taken a test before & found it negative.  but it was not normal for me to be so late.  two weeks?  not normal.  alas, bleeding confirmed it to be true, i was not pregnant.

this was Lily's 1st anniversary birthday month.

this was turning into a repeat of what happened a year before on Sarah's birthday.  i found out i had lost Lily.  there was not time to mourn.  i had a party to put on.  this was Sarah's day.

this time it was a party Sarah was going to.  i had to wrap the gift & get her there.  Zach needed to get to work...

i broke the news to Zach and tried to hold back the tears because i would be socializing in a bit.  nothing spoils a birthday party more than puffy red eyes.

i love my husband.

he looked at me and said.  i can stay home.  what do you need?

i was grateful for the grieving lessons i had learned over the last year at this moment.  i decided i needed to be sad today, and i needed to be left alone.

i broke the news to my family via text and told them i didn't want to talk today but prayers would be good.

Zach took Sarah to her party and picked her up, took the boys away and i didn't see them until bed time.

as soon as they walked out the door, i gave in to my emotions, i got in the shower and bawled.  bawled, yelled, screamed, hit the wall and said everything i had held in over the last year.  i allowed myself to be angry, to ask why.  why had Lily been taken?  why did this have to happen to me?

i did not feel like i had lost another baby this day.  i was grieving for Lily.  i don't know how to explain this in any other way.  i knew i had not been pregnant.  hoping, yes.  i wanted to have a baby at the same time as my sisters.  i was so angry that i couldn't.  i felt like the loss of the opportunity on the 2nd day in Lily's birthday month was  an absolute slap in the face by Heaven.  i was so, so mad.  i felt hurt beyond words.

to say i cried is such a total understatement.  i got out of the shower and actually threw up.  i threw up big time, too.

i took a nap.  i prayed.  i wrote.

a year later, i revisit those emotions and remember how awful it was.  oh, it was so, so awful.  i honestly don't think i have ever felt so terrible.

when Zach got home that night, he brought me dinner and i still felt terrible.  i couldn't eat, i needed to sleep.  so i did.

when i woke up the next morning i could not believe how much better i felt.  i was so grateful i let myself be sad, angry, hurt and everything else i felt.  there was an amazing feeling of acceptance and peace that was beyond anything i had felt in a long time.

i was grateful.  i felt content with what my family looked like and how it was turning out.  i knew that my family was intended to be this way.  i knew that my Heavenly Father was aware of me.  i was no longer angry that He had allowed me to be two weeks late.  i knew that i needed to be helped.  i had not mourned Lily the way my heart, mind, body and spirit had needed to.  Only my Heavenly Father had known that.  He knew i would not have done that on my own.  if i had started bleeding just two days earlier it would not have had the same effect in any way.  He took control and gave me a gift.  i knew it was hand wrapped for me.  the Spirit tutored me throughout that next day and i continued to feel more and more grateful as i thought about the gift that i had been given.  it still makes me cry.

i feel so grateful that my Heavenly Father knows me so well and helped me to find peace.  i learned truly that it was okay to be mortal, because i am and that is part of Heavenly Father's plan.  we are to experience pain.  if we let it run its course, we will find peace and feel His love more fully.

as i visualized myself and what i looked like and felt the day before, i really was able to see why i needed it.  i know that the Spirit was helping me to see that i needed yesterday.  i even visualized myself throwing up.  i knew i was letting things go.  getting rid of garbage that had no place in my life.

i felt refreshed.  it was a gift.  i felt so humbled and grateful, (and still do) that i was not only given the opportunity to grieve but that my Heavenly Father was also helping me to understand it.  i knew it.

 whenever i think about that day, i feel those feelings again and remember how hard it was and i also feel the feelings of gratitude and peace.  they have not left.

now, a year later, i still feel so much love from my Heavenly Father and i know that He has a plan for me and my family.  i know that He always does what is best for us.  it is always out of love.  i did not know i needed to really let my feelings go to such an extreme degree.  i didn't realize how much i was holding back...and therefore, how much was holding me back.  He knows me so much better than i do.  what a wonderful feeling it is to have that knowledge.  i have believed these things for a long time but they were further confirmed.  i obviously needed it.

yes, a year ago i cried.  they were tears that i needed to let fall.  i am so grateful i mourned.  i'm so grateful for the gift of a hard day that needed to happen.  i know my Heavenly Father loves me.