swimming

so, yesterday we went swimming at a friends pool.  we had such a great time.  i just can't get over what fishes my children are!  they love, love, love the water.
our three year old got to the point yesterday where he didn't want anyone to catch him and didn't want floaties either.
this, obviously didn't fly because he can't swim without them yet.  i insisted on catching him and "helping" him swim to the stairs.  each time i had to help him, he couldn't focus on swimming because he was so focussed on getting my hands off him.  thing is, he couldn't do it without me.

wow.  of course i start thinking about how i do this more than i would like to admit.  there is so much in my life that i want to do alone.  i don't want help and yet i really think i'm drowning.  i think so much about how i don't want the help that i can't see that i need it right now.  that negative focus on the help is making me not appreciate it for one and for two its making me forget to do the things i can do.

i am almost positive that everyone who knows me, even a little, thinks that i do all the Sunday school answers and i'm doing everything i should to try and heal.  

confession.  i'm not.  

am i doing okay?  yes.  am i being too hard on myself?  i don't know.  do i know i can do better and should?  yes.  

i think that is why the thought came to me while i was helping josh swim.  i do need help.  it is amazing to me that i don't seem to get this enough that i make the changes i need.

how many posts have i written on my need for the Savior?  how many times do i need to say it before i really come to Him for the help i so badly need?  i mean, pouring out my heart in prayer.  the sincerity is what is lacking in so many ways.  ugh, it seems that so many things are so on the surface!

i realize desire is the first step.  that's good.

letting that desire work in me to do things differently is the trickiest part.

gosh.  it's july 25!  August 10th was when i didn't hear her heartbeat!  i had her on the 16th!

is it obvious i'm frustrated with myself?  well i am.  i am not so naive to think that change happens over night, but i am declaring this minute that i am having a really hard time.

i think the very reason why is because my heart is hard.  i want to do everything myself and all the while, know that the Way is through Christ... but my road works too?

today i had a scary thought...how much more is the Lord going to throw at me so that i get it?  

i don't want to be compelled to be humble.  i want to be compelled by His word...because i believe it....because I DO BELIEVE IT!

ha, just as i'm typing i'm thinking, the word does compel but you haven't even read it today..or yesterday.  it can't compel you if you don't read it.  strike that, it can be used from my memory but i don't have it all memorized. :)

okay, i'll post this an be off to bed with the Book of Mormon in hand.  i will read with the intent to learn more about the Savior and how He can help me...i will pray first, with intent.

it feels good to write.  it feels good to decide what i can do...right now.