living with the end in mind

have you heard this phrase before?  well, it has been on my mind a lot lately.

since having Lily, loss is something i have noticed more.  it hits me in a different way because i've experienced it.

i had nightmares a lot after i had Lily because i was afraid i would lose someone else that i loved.  i realized there is nothing that is certain...especially when it comes to how long we will live.  that is just not our call.

i talked to a friend who is a good deal older than me and was divorced the same year she turned fifty.  i was seriously surprised to hear some of the things that she lamented.  "who will cry over my grave?", "who will be buried next to me",..and other phrases like that. she is lonely now and anticipates being lonely later. she wished that she had known what she now knows.  she would have tried harder to save her marriage.

when you think about the inevitable end

*when your spouse dies
*when you die
*when one of your children dies
*when another family member dies (sibling/parent/grandparent)

what comes to your mind?

i almost immediately think about our last encounter.  what did i say to them?  what did we do?  do they know how i truly feel about them?  did i learn everything i could from them or about them?

for when i die i think about what i left behind.  i want there to be NO doubt in anyone of my loved ones minds and hearts that i loved them more than anything.  i loved being with them and i loved them individually.

gosh, years ago i picked up THIS book off Zach's Grandma's shelf.  i am sure you've heard the story about Erin Kramp.  she wad diagnosed with terminal breast cancer.  she embraced life by preparing for death.  among many other things, she made videos for her daughter to watch as she grew up, made a list of things for her husband to do after she died and made the most of her time by spending it how she felt best.

these things she did, get me thinking about my list.  what do i want my family to remember?  especially Zach and our kids.

when i think about my children dying i think about pictures and videos of them.  writing things down that they say and do.  i think about making the most of today.  laughing, playing, cuddling, reading, working (but not too much) :)

i really think it is in our best interest to think about the end.

after Zach is gone i would never want to move his clothes off our rocking chair in our room.  if they were gone it would mean he is.  i would hate getting into bed because it was cold and there would be no one to get me warm and cuddle with.  who would eat all my leftovers for lunch?  who would i call when i need a pick me up?  who would i look across the isle of the Temple and wink at?

the list is endless.  thinking about them only makes me appreciate him more.

i feel like, a time set aside for talking about this, considering this and writing down thoughts is not only worth it, but important.  even if you and your spouse both live into your hundreds together, you could live all that time with the peace of mind that if either of you were to die, you have considered together, what you want to have happen and do.

Mrs. Kramp found that these discussions were not depressing but actually helped them to live their days more fully.  they gave a peace they never knew before.

i will start by writing a letter to my kids and to Zach.  a goodbye letter.  does this mean i think i'm going to die next week?  heck no!  it just means i don't want to leave something so important out.  if i were to die, i want to be in heaven and know that my family was given something they would cherish and i took the time to do it...when i didn't think i was going to die soon, but just in case.

what do you do to live with the end in mind?  what will you do?