My Sunday Face

Today I couldn't find my Sunday face.  I really tried. It's pretty lame that I felt like I had to find it.  It's like I'm afraid to show anyone that I'm having a hard time.

I guess part of the problem is that I am not even sure what is going on in my head.  So I just sat there on my pew and cried.  I couldn't stop.  I tried to hide behind the head of my 2 year old but as the meeting was getting closer to the end, I was feeling embarrassed.  I didn't want everyone asking me what was wrong and expecting answers-answers that if I tried to give them, I would just cry.

I left.

Some would agree that this was the right thing to do.  Some would call me a baby.  It doesn't matter what anyone thinks.  I needed to leave.  I wanted to leave.  I took the two babies and we went home. 

They slept and I cried and slept.

I thought a lot about what was wrong and goodness, "why the drama?!"

I realized that this week marks 6 years since we had our angel baby, Lily.  Six!

A memory of a therapy session came to my mind, the therapist taught me that my heart and mind will always remember her.  I won't know why I'm crying and then I will realize that it's anniversary time. 

That's exactly what happened today.  

I think it was worse because there has been so much going on around here that I've neglected to do anything refreshing for myself.  -not much sleep, no Temple, no walking, no piano playing, no getting swallowed up in a good book...too much sugar, too much stress and not enough healthy coping.  

I've been so busy meeting the needs of my family that now I'm at this low point where I can't even find a Sunday face to save my life.

These times can be defining.  It's good.  I needed to realize these things, especially right now before we jump back into full time home school. Mom matters.  Dad matters.  Child-centered parenting is not healthy on the long term.  Making the things happen that refresh my soul is pretty dern important and it needs to be done to the degree that it is enough.  I have been doing some things but I give a lot. I've got to make sure that I'm full up so I can continue to do the things that I feel inspired and excited to do.

What fills your bucket?

Writing is one of mine.  So, thanks for letting me share.