I held an Angel

I realized the other day why I've been SO incredibly emotional.  When I visited with a counselor, she actually told me this would happen.  -I would be all emotional and wonder why and then realize that I was approaching some type of anniversary.

Well, here we are!  I had the anniversary of her birth already.  But she was due on Christmas.  I am totally repeating the difficult time.  She would have been one!  We would have a baby to be the baby Jesus in the Nativity.  We would have a little bundle of grins and slobber and a squishy baby to love and enjoy...and try to keep out of the tree. :)
Anticipating the holidays just gets me all sentimental.  Thats okay.  Realizing that thinking about it helps...helps.

Gosh, somedays I wish things were different.  Then just as quickly, I think, well they aren't and it is for a wise purpose.  I've already seen some of that.

I reminisce a lot lately, of the time I had to hold Lily.  I am so glad I did.  It hurts my heart that she wasn't alive when I held her little body in my arms.  I did hold her inside as she grew and that is something.  I felt her kick.  I enjoyed her while I had her.  I know that when I did hold her that her Spirit was in the room.  She was there.   She knew and knows I love her.  She knows of my ache, probably better than I do...because she see's me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming.  That all this didn't happen.  That this kind of thing can't happen to people like me.  That's not supposed to happen.  I am supposed to have a house full of children, all of them happy, healthy and loved.  No one missing.  But here we are.

I'm Lily's mom.  I am.

 I love her.

I miss her.

There is a void for her.  A space at our table that is empty.  It's hers.

She knows that.

She'll fill it one day...not soon enough.

I held an Angel.  I am the lucky one.

I will hold her again.