life goes on.

five years ago today Sarah was born.  it was a close one.  she had the cord around her neck.  she was our acrobat.  boy this girl could do some serious flips in a small space!  it was a scary delivery for the both of us.  actually this little one has had a few more scares than is even cool for someone who just turned five.  we love her.  she is totally Sarah and she's good with it...and so are we.

 one year ago today, I found out Lily had died.

one year ago today, i learned that life goes on in a cruel way sometimes.

"we have a birthday today, i don't have time to cry.", "let me do that, i got it", "i don't want any help, I'm fine", "Zach, tell your mom not to decorate the cupcakes, I want to do that with Sarah".

it pains me to think of what i did to myself.  not accepting help in many forms.  keeping busy and in a sense, running or hiding from the pain or not using the time i did have to do those things that helped me.

one year ago today, i felt like i was hit by a semi and no one around me knew it.  i was a wreck inside.  i was by myself when we couldn't find a heart beat.  i had to call Zach and tell him.  then i had to go to Smith's and pick up some things for Sarah's party.  i saw mom's being mean or short with their children and my heart was so, so sad.  i just wanted to shake them and say, "do you know what you have?! love them!!! hold them! enjoy them!"  how could i not have that?!  i watched others look at me and my half way pregnant belly with that "how sweet" look on their faces and just prayed no one would say anything to me.

i walked out of the store, put my groceries in my car and turned around to hear this lady ask if she could take my cart back for me.  I felt in that moment that my Heavenly Father was saying to me, "they don't know, but I do, I do and I will take care of you"

 He has taken care of me.  I am completely amazed as I look over this last year and see His hand in my life.  In my healing.  It really is overwhelming to see that and know I'm not making it up.
I have been so blessed with different friends or family members that will say something or do something at the exact time that I needed it.  I don't know how to sum all these things up in one post...so I won't.  It can't be done without being a novel and I have a headache and want sleep. :)
What I can say is that I know that the Lord really does work through us to help each other.  He does.  I have so many great friends who have been able to say in loving ways, what i need[ed] to hear.  Things like, "you look good, but you don't look good.  you are depressed.  what are you going to do about it?" or "you should really go see a counselor...go see a counselor".  or "you don't see yourself the right way, you aren't that kind of a person, that's not who you are".  boy the list goes on.
a friend is someone who can say those kinds of things to you and you don't feel belittled when they say them.  oh, i have wonderful, wonderful friends!
looking back i see how something someone said or did opened the way for a certain kind of progress that i needed to make.
even in the last two months i feel like my healing has become so much more honest and healthy.  i feel Lily closer than before.  i feel growth.  i feel progress in my heart.  i feel so much love that sometimes i feel like i could burst.
on Thursday it will be a year since Lily was born.  when i think back on that day and time and how it changed my life.  it changed me.  i feel bad sometimes about the things that i did or didn't do.  but i didn't know any better.  i had never, ever dealt with anything so difficult in my life.  i know i have done the best i could.
i've learned that the adversary is NOT my friend.  he does not lay off when i'm having a bad day or time.  he kicks when i'm down and he kicks hard.  he does not play fair.  i hope i've gotten better at recognizing when i'm down and being careful with myself and others.
one thing is for sure.  i am grateful.  i am grateful that life goes on.  it goes on here...on this side of the veil and the next.  it is eternal and progressing.  i am grateful that Lily is part of my family and part of my story.  i have learned so much from her.  one of those being, life goes on.