today it has been a year.
one whole year since we had Lily.
yesterday my brother asked me how i felt about it. i actually answered that it made me mad.
i wasn't sure why exactly. i just felt mad. i wanted to punch something. good thing he was across the table. :)
one thing i've learned in the last few months is to feel what i feel. but at the same time i need to try and understand why i'm feeling that way.
well, this morning i figured out why i felt mad. i felt mad because a whole year has gone by. there were things that i wanted to do and i haven't done them.
one specific thing was i wanted to put together a book. a book of stories, memories, pictures, cards, etc. from this last year. i felt mad that it wasn't done and i wasn't able to look at it this morning. i also feel mad because time has gone by. sometimes it is hard to have the time that you don't want.-i just wanted time to stop...life to stop. milestones are now passed and gone. it really is easier to stay in your misery or at least hold onto it. i guess in a way i'm afraid to let go.
i was glad i figured out where the anger was coming from. now i am able to decide what i want to do about it. i can't do anything about it now...other than make a book now. i am starting it today. this blog has also helped me to be able to write about the time and the things that i have learned. so i don't feel like the time has been in vain. somedays it does feel like that.
i can honestly say that even though i have made a lot of silly decisions this last year, i have done the best i knew how with all the strength i could muster. yes, now looking back i can see things i should definitely have done differently. but a good friend said to me recently, "hindsight is always 20/20". that is so true.
with gratitude i can honestly say that i am a stronger person. i feel like i know how to handle hard things a little bit better. i look at life as a sweet blessing full of miracles. i also know without a doubt that the Lord blesses us even in our lowest times....especially in our lowest times.
today has already been a good day. i've sat and watched my kids play and listened to them laugh. we had breakfast together. omelet with our chicken eggs and veggies from our garden. it is hard to not feel blessed when your main man stays home from work and you are surrounded by the laughter of children and eating from an abundant garden. a friend showed up with flowers and a card. i don't think her card could have been more perfect.
"We wanted you to know that we're thinking of you today and your sweet Lily. We pray it can somehow be a day of healing as you remember and honor her by visiting the hospital, her gravesite, and being with your family. Your strength is an inspiration. We love you and want you to know that we will always remember Lily and look forward to meeting her someday."
it is hard to believe it has been a year. somedays it has been hard to believe i even had her and it wasn't just a dream or a figment of my imagination. one thing (out of many) that brings me comfort is that she was stillborn.
she was still born. she is mine and she came to get what she needed. a body. she left behind a lot of love and experiences we were to have because of her. she changed my life in such a short time.
i ache for the time lost, for the memories that weren't made. some people might ask or wonder, "she never knew her, why mourn for someone you never knew?". that is exactly why i mourn. i felt her move. i connected with her. i was anxious to hold her. i loved her for the time that she was here. there is nothing more precious than a child. nothing. they are a gift from God. in all His goodness and mercy He has blessed us with children. children to love, hold, take care of. i absolutely love being a mom.
in all His goodness and mercy He has blessed me to know that she is my daughter and she is mine forever...made possible by Jesus Christ. yes, it is hard to believe at times.
i know that the adversary gets in it and tries to distance me from Lily and my faith that she is mine forever because there is a strength we can have in our lives when we know that those from the other side are near and can help us in our lives. the adversary doesn't want me to believe in that.
as i focus on my blessings and the doctrines of the gospel it is actually easy to believe. those things lift me to a new place. a place filled with hope for eternity and gratitude for my experiences here.
i believe.
one whole year since we had Lily.
yesterday my brother asked me how i felt about it. i actually answered that it made me mad.
i wasn't sure why exactly. i just felt mad. i wanted to punch something. good thing he was across the table. :)
one thing i've learned in the last few months is to feel what i feel. but at the same time i need to try and understand why i'm feeling that way.
well, this morning i figured out why i felt mad. i felt mad because a whole year has gone by. there were things that i wanted to do and i haven't done them.
one specific thing was i wanted to put together a book. a book of stories, memories, pictures, cards, etc. from this last year. i felt mad that it wasn't done and i wasn't able to look at it this morning. i also feel mad because time has gone by. sometimes it is hard to have the time that you don't want.-i just wanted time to stop...life to stop. milestones are now passed and gone. it really is easier to stay in your misery or at least hold onto it. i guess in a way i'm afraid to let go.
i was glad i figured out where the anger was coming from. now i am able to decide what i want to do about it. i can't do anything about it now...other than make a book now. i am starting it today. this blog has also helped me to be able to write about the time and the things that i have learned. so i don't feel like the time has been in vain. somedays it does feel like that.
i can honestly say that even though i have made a lot of silly decisions this last year, i have done the best i knew how with all the strength i could muster. yes, now looking back i can see things i should definitely have done differently. but a good friend said to me recently, "hindsight is always 20/20". that is so true.
with gratitude i can honestly say that i am a stronger person. i feel like i know how to handle hard things a little bit better. i look at life as a sweet blessing full of miracles. i also know without a doubt that the Lord blesses us even in our lowest times....especially in our lowest times.
today has already been a good day. i've sat and watched my kids play and listened to them laugh. we had breakfast together. omelet with our chicken eggs and veggies from our garden. it is hard to not feel blessed when your main man stays home from work and you are surrounded by the laughter of children and eating from an abundant garden. a friend showed up with flowers and a card. i don't think her card could have been more perfect.
"We wanted you to know that we're thinking of you today and your sweet Lily. We pray it can somehow be a day of healing as you remember and honor her by visiting the hospital, her gravesite, and being with your family. Your strength is an inspiration. We love you and want you to know that we will always remember Lily and look forward to meeting her someday."
it is hard to believe it has been a year. somedays it has been hard to believe i even had her and it wasn't just a dream or a figment of my imagination. one thing (out of many) that brings me comfort is that she was stillborn.
she was still born. she is mine and she came to get what she needed. a body. she left behind a lot of love and experiences we were to have because of her. she changed my life in such a short time.
i ache for the time lost, for the memories that weren't made. some people might ask or wonder, "she never knew her, why mourn for someone you never knew?". that is exactly why i mourn. i felt her move. i connected with her. i was anxious to hold her. i loved her for the time that she was here. there is nothing more precious than a child. nothing. they are a gift from God. in all His goodness and mercy He has blessed us with children. children to love, hold, take care of. i absolutely love being a mom.
in all His goodness and mercy He has blessed me to know that she is my daughter and she is mine forever...made possible by Jesus Christ. yes, it is hard to believe at times.
i know that the adversary gets in it and tries to distance me from Lily and my faith that she is mine forever because there is a strength we can have in our lives when we know that those from the other side are near and can help us in our lives. the adversary doesn't want me to believe in that.
as i focus on my blessings and the doctrines of the gospel it is actually easy to believe. those things lift me to a new place. a place filled with hope for eternity and gratitude for my experiences here.
i believe.
1 comment:
I enjoyed reading this. I feel like a stronger person sometimes too. a lot of the time I feel exhausted... and complain about the unfairness of it all. But I guess life isn't fair. And I have been given a lot also.
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