eleven months ago i was expecting something. i went to my midwife and i was expecting to hear a heart beat.
i had felt kicks. i felt one good strong kick and i remember it like it was yesterday. she was telling me something. now i know it was goodbye for a while.
i visited with my midwife. we talked about "my poor back" and "how huge i am" and "my sciatic nerve","i'm still throwing up". poor me. i'm pregnant.
then we listened for a heart beat. there aren't words for this moment that adequately describe it. nothing new right, take a listen. smile and be grateful for a healthy, growing little baby.
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.
the longest moment of my life and it hasn't stopped. i wish that moment had been different.
i wish i hadn't complained. with all my heart i would go through anything and far worse to have her here! gosh, i wish i hadn't complained! i love being pregnant! i love all of it for what i get out of it! what i deal with is SO worth it!
for 21 weeks i was expecting something. something more precious than my own life. we were so excited. i loved growing and thinking about this little life. who was this little person? how would life be when we had four little kiddos running around? how would josh handle it? i bet he'll want to hold this little babe all the time. "can you feel that little kick?" "ooh, wow mommy!" "there's a baby in there?" "my mommy has a baby in her tummy!"
i did have a baby. i still do. i just can't hold her now.
she was born in a hospital. she was given a name. i held her. i cried when i had her. it was sweet and terrible at the same time.
i came home with empty arms.
instead of waking up to a crying baby, i woke up crying. i woke up to nightmares. i woke up to see if Zach was still there. were my kids taken away too? what else is going to happen? i felt so vulnerable.
this is not what i was expecting.
i had felt kicks. i felt one good strong kick and i remember it like it was yesterday. she was telling me something. now i know it was goodbye for a while.
i visited with my midwife. we talked about "my poor back" and "how huge i am" and "my sciatic nerve","i'm still throwing up". poor me. i'm pregnant.
then we listened for a heart beat. there aren't words for this moment that adequately describe it. nothing new right, take a listen. smile and be grateful for a healthy, growing little baby.
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.
the longest moment of my life and it hasn't stopped. i wish that moment had been different.
i wish i hadn't complained. with all my heart i would go through anything and far worse to have her here! gosh, i wish i hadn't complained! i love being pregnant! i love all of it for what i get out of it! what i deal with is SO worth it!
for 21 weeks i was expecting something. something more precious than my own life. we were so excited. i loved growing and thinking about this little life. who was this little person? how would life be when we had four little kiddos running around? how would josh handle it? i bet he'll want to hold this little babe all the time. "can you feel that little kick?" "ooh, wow mommy!" "there's a baby in there?" "my mommy has a baby in her tummy!"
i did have a baby. i still do. i just can't hold her now.
she was born in a hospital. she was given a name. i held her. i cried when i had her. it was sweet and terrible at the same time.
i came home with empty arms.
instead of waking up to a crying baby, i woke up crying. i woke up to nightmares. i woke up to see if Zach was still there. were my kids taken away too? what else is going to happen? i felt so vulnerable.
this is not what i was expecting.
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