so i went to a counselor the other day. yes, it was good and i am glad that i went. i'll keep going till i've learned what i need to. so yeah. :)
while she and i were talking i think she noticed that i don't really cry. it's true. i mean, my eyes water, they get teary and then i choke it down and i don't cry. i don't like to feel all blubbery and vulnerable.
well, she explained to me that tears of grief have a different chemical make-up than regular tears. there is actually something that is released in tears of grief that is therapeutic and necessary. its true, i did need motivation to cry. i feel that this is good motivation. :)
she also pointed out that even Jesus cried. when she said that, i started trying to come up with an example in my head of when He cried. i thought of when Lazarus died.
the more i've thought about this, the more i have loved this example!
i have struggled with losing my sweet Lily but what has been even more of a struggle is dealing with the emotions i have felt. why? well, i'll tell you. :) because i am naturally an optimistic person. not a bad thing i know. but when you need to deal with sadness or anger or disappointment, etc., you need to be able to think through those emotions. you need to feel it. i need to feel it.
this isn't to say that i haven't felt any of these emotions, i have just tried to cover them up. without realizing, i have not allowed them to stick around long enough for me to face them. so, i have kept busy with cleaning, crafting, kissing my kids, primary, planning, my comics(yes, i made a book of my favorites), being with Zach and doing what we do. :) while none of these are bad, they aren't what is best if i'm not making time for myself to heal.
in the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, Jesus knows that Lazarus will die and that he will bring him back....and YET, HE STILL WEEPS! He wept for their pain...because He knows their pain! He wept because He loved them He knows my pain and He loves me. IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO WEEP! It is okay and right for us to cry together when we lose someone we love.
this was a breakthrough for me to realize. have i cried yet? no. i think thats why this blog is good for me. it helps me to think about things instead of run from them. it slows me down. when i write and when i think about Lily, i do shed tears. i'll get there. i"ll do it on purpose. not because i want to forget but because there is much that i need to learn and do here. if i feel broken i won't be super effective. plus, i don't think my sweet Little One would really like it.
I did hold her once. but she was cold. i couldn't keep her. i had to let someone i didn't know take her frail little body away. i watched him walk away with her. it hurt. it still hurts. it seems impossible that i even let him take her. part of me died along with her.
i grieve because i love her. i wish with all my heart she were here in body. i want to hold her so bad i ache. not for just any baby or another baby, but her. Lily. My Lily. Our daughter who we wanted to take home. how did this happen?!
just because i know the plan, doesn't make the pain go away. when i face up to the hurt, i will heal. then i can more effectively cling to the hope and faith i have in having her, in body, one day.
i intend to heal. i intend to let my Savior help me heal. Jesus, Himself, knows the plan and part of it is for us to feel pain. He really is the perfect Example.
*just so you know, i cried while i wrote this.:)
while she and i were talking i think she noticed that i don't really cry. it's true. i mean, my eyes water, they get teary and then i choke it down and i don't cry. i don't like to feel all blubbery and vulnerable.
well, she explained to me that tears of grief have a different chemical make-up than regular tears. there is actually something that is released in tears of grief that is therapeutic and necessary. its true, i did need motivation to cry. i feel that this is good motivation. :)
she also pointed out that even Jesus cried. when she said that, i started trying to come up with an example in my head of when He cried. i thought of when Lazarus died.
the more i've thought about this, the more i have loved this example!
i have struggled with losing my sweet Lily but what has been even more of a struggle is dealing with the emotions i have felt. why? well, i'll tell you. :) because i am naturally an optimistic person. not a bad thing i know. but when you need to deal with sadness or anger or disappointment, etc., you need to be able to think through those emotions. you need to feel it. i need to feel it.
this isn't to say that i haven't felt any of these emotions, i have just tried to cover them up. without realizing, i have not allowed them to stick around long enough for me to face them. so, i have kept busy with cleaning, crafting, kissing my kids, primary, planning, my comics(yes, i made a book of my favorites), being with Zach and doing what we do. :) while none of these are bad, they aren't what is best if i'm not making time for myself to heal.
in the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, Jesus knows that Lazarus will die and that he will bring him back....and YET, HE STILL WEEPS! He wept for their pain...because He knows their pain! He wept because He loved them He knows my pain and He loves me. IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO WEEP! It is okay and right for us to cry together when we lose someone we love.
this was a breakthrough for me to realize. have i cried yet? no. i think thats why this blog is good for me. it helps me to think about things instead of run from them. it slows me down. when i write and when i think about Lily, i do shed tears. i'll get there. i"ll do it on purpose. not because i want to forget but because there is much that i need to learn and do here. if i feel broken i won't be super effective. plus, i don't think my sweet Little One would really like it.
I did hold her once. but she was cold. i couldn't keep her. i had to let someone i didn't know take her frail little body away. i watched him walk away with her. it hurt. it still hurts. it seems impossible that i even let him take her. part of me died along with her.
i grieve because i love her. i wish with all my heart she were here in body. i want to hold her so bad i ache. not for just any baby or another baby, but her. Lily. My Lily. Our daughter who we wanted to take home. how did this happen?!
just because i know the plan, doesn't make the pain go away. when i face up to the hurt, i will heal. then i can more effectively cling to the hope and faith i have in having her, in body, one day.
i intend to heal. i intend to let my Savior help me heal. Jesus, Himself, knows the plan and part of it is for us to feel pain. He really is the perfect Example.
*just so you know, i cried while i wrote this.:)
3 comments:
a lovely, heartfelt, honest post. we do need to let ourselves grieve from time to time. i always feel better when i let my emotions sink in for a night and really feel them and think them through. even if i don't come up with a "solution" to what i'm dealing with, it helps to feel it. thanks for sharing, and inspiring, as always.
My dear friend, my sister lost a baby that she only held once. Even though she wasn't my daughter I also felt a part of me died that day. I know I don't know that pain of losing a child but I do know the pain of loss. My sister has struggled with the same feelings you have had. People have criticized her for "handling it so well". What do they know. They don't see the nights she sits home with empty arms....I love you so very much my Becca. I cry now as I sit and think about you. Thanks you for being willing to share. It helps me remember...
By the way, it's Shelly Coray (not Kimo's. I don't know how to change that.
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