Why I think blogging saved my marriage...and other things.

Yep.  I really do.  Blogging has had an affect on my life that I didn't think it would have.

 I started my marriage blog An Apple a Day almost 10 years ago.  I had my own personal blog several years before that.  I really like to write so I would write about whatever was on my mind.

 I started my marriage blog because I wanted to help myself and others protect our marriages.  When I heard that 3 couples who were my childhood idles were being divorced I got scared.  I honestly thought they were the cutest couples and could not figure out what had happened or how it was possible.  "If they couldn't keep it together, how could I?!"

I got the inspiration for my blog and started right away to inspire myself and others to nourish our marriages daily.  I started to give basic tips or ideas like, "talk to each other without the t.v. on" or "leave a note for them in their car" and then I started sharing advice or counsel I'd read in books or from things that I'd experienced myself. 

Well, if you're married, you know that marriage isn't always easy and there were times that I was so frustrated, I found myself rage cleaning, hiding in a closet or crying in the shower because I didn't know what to do or didn't want to see or talk to Zach. (for VARIOUS reasons, ha ha)

Often in those moments, it was like a voice in my head would ask, "what would you want your readers to do right now?" ( I give credit to the Holy Ghost or one of my awesome Angels for the question.)
I would then think about the situation I was faced with and what I would advise my readers to do.  So, I would go apologize, serve him, think about the situation from his perspective, look for the good, express gratitude until I felt better, write him a note, make him and I laugh or kiss him good and long.

Why am I telling you this?

Sometimes when we get so engrossed in our problems and frustrations that it is so hard to think clearly.  Frustration is a real emotion and can be quite stifling.  Blogging for someone else gave me a reason to take myself out of the problem and think rationally.  The more I read, studied, applied and wrote, the more I realized how the quality of my relationship at that time could be improved...always. 

So, I am telling you this because I really believe that everyone needs a way to get out of their head and think rationally.  We all need to do this.  Frustration is fine to feel for a time, but if we sit in it, it turns to anger and resentment.  Our adversary loves this environment.  "Nurse your wounds, be mad, serves that other guy right!"  Blah.  Lies.

Have you ever heard, "your mess can become your message."?  I really believe this.  It basically means, if you take the time to figure out your struggles and conquer them, you now have a message to share and the means to help others.  This is not to say that you have to conquer all things before you can start sharing, oh no, that's a trap too.  "You don't know enough".  Blah. Lies. 

You know enough.  Start a blog.  Write to your future grand kids.  Put some pressure on yourself to learn how to conquer your mess....or at least face it with more confidence.

Another healthy thing to do is write about what you struggle with.  This doesn't mean, throw your people under the bus!  Please.  That's not helpful to you or them.  Focus on you and how what you're learning can help others.  (-this is why I started this blog.  I created this blog after I had a stillborn baby and was struggling hugely to process the immense grief I felt.)

Don't want to blog?  Don't.  Leave voice memos on your phone for your adult children.  Write in your journal and treat it like a newspaper column.

I really think writing is such a healthy exercise and everyone should do it.  Yep, even if you struggle writing birthday cards.  Get out of your head and write.  It really helps to clear your thoughts.

If what you are thinking is so ugly, you don't want anyone to read it, tear it up in a million pieces and throw it away or crumple it up, throw it in a #10 can and burn it.  I've done both.  Refreshing.

Zach and I have talked about this many times especially in the last couple of years.  It's amazing how wanting to help others and starting a blog really ended up helping me and us WAY more. 

So, how do you get out of your own head?  Please share with me! (it'll be good for you too!)

let's talk about being deaf...mostly

So, there I was around 10 years old having a water fight.  Good friends, good fun, every time.
Then I got hit in the face with a Maverick mug full of water.  Yep, hit me right in the mouth and zapped a lot of my nerves, immediately my ears started ringing and I couldn't hear anything but that.  I swore and ran home. (did you know this about me?  That I swore and that I am deaf in one ear and partially in the other?)
Here I am, almost 30 years later.  Wha?
I love hearing things.  I love to hear my kids laugh and play, (here come the tears), my hubby talk and laugh...I just love to hear my people.  I love good music, a story read a loud, a conversation with a friend, a movie with excellent one liners (I do use subtitles though), I love to listen to a running river or the ocean waves, birds (unless it's a magpie), I am SO grateful I can hear so many things!
I will be honest, anyone who knows me well, knows I don't hear as much as they or I would like and it can be super frustrating.  BUT, I can still hear!
Well, the other day while getting ready I was listening to a YouTube video about the Come Follow Me lesson for that week.  When I was done listening/watching it, I got to thinking and something came to my mind that Elder Bednar said.
"If all you or I know about Jesus Christ and His restored gospel is what other people teach or tell us, then the foundation of our testimony of Him and His glorious latter-day work is built upon sand."  SAND!  No likey a sandy foundation.  We all know how that turns out.
"But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves." (James 1:22)
Another thing that I love to hear is the word of God.  I'm not just saying that.  I LOVE to listen to people talk about the gospel of Jesus Christ and I myself, LOVE to talk about it.  BUT, if I never do my own digging, I won't come to know for myself.  Part of being a doer of the word, is being a seeker in the word.  We seek, we ask for confirmation and guidance from the Holy Ghost on how to apply it and then we do.
Guys!  We live in a time of a hearing epidemic!  Doesn't it just blow your mind to see how many things there are to watch and listen to ALL. THE. TIME?!  It's amazing!  We could easily, I mean, easily be stuck in hearing only.  There is only so much time in the day after all.
The video I watched the other day, that I linked above, I loved.  It gave me great insights and some that I did use in my Primary class.  BUT, my testimony that I bore to my class wouldn't have been mine if that is all the preparation I did.
Hearing is SO good.  How blessed we are. When we DO something about what we hear, we come to KNOW.  John 7:17 "If any man will DO His will, he shall know of the doctrine.".
If you are wondering how to do this, here is some counsel from our Prophet, President Nelson:

"Follow the example of the Prophet Joseph. Find a quiet place where you can regularly go. Humble yourself before God. Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort.

Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take."

Thanks for the chat about being deaf.  It's nice to be heard. 

Life. Fear. Fire. Faith.

Life is happening around here. There is so much that I have wanted to do and haven't been able to.
I had a miscarriage.  We've struggled with one of our kids with some serious needs, home maintenance, life with six kids, church callings, caring for others or wanting to and can't.  I have spent many a night recently, crying myself to sleep, feeling so inadequate. Then, waking up and in my morning prayers, I'm apologizing and the day hasn't even started yet.

I have felt so discouraged.  It all feels that much heavier because of the lack of faith and hope in my life. 

Life is supposed to be hard.  God wants us to know that we need Him.

Honestly, I'm glad I've chosen the difficult path of being a wife and a mother.  I feel the weakest in that role when I rely on my own strength.  There is no doubt in my mind that I need the God of miracles to help me and my family.  When I turn to Him for guidance, I am enabled.  I feel strength and confidence.  I feel love and peace.  I can look past the weaknesses of myself and my family and know that we will succeed because we trust in God.

I have thought a lot about why I have struggled so much.  I have begun to understand that my faith is like a fire and I am in charge of feeding it. 

Before the end of 2018, I read the entire Book of Mormon from cover to cover.  I spent a ton of time in the scriptures.  I paid a price for an experience that I needed.  I wanted my faith in my Savior to grow.  I marked everything that mentioned Christ in yellow.  I highlighted everything that was possible because of Him in red.  I prayed that I would see what Christ did, does and can do.  I highlighted what my responsibilities were.  I have never had such an incredible experience with the scriptures and I LOVE the scriptures.  I also spent more time in the Temple and worked on organizing projects around my house that would help to invite the Spirit.  I really tried.

Since then, my time in the Book of Mormon has not been nearly as quality or quantity.  I have still done stuff and it has been good.  Just not as good.  I haven't tried as hard to keep the cart and the horse coming in the right order.

I'm working on building my fire of faith back up.  It is dedicated work.  I know that the difference of our lives is going to be found in what we choose to DO.  I've decided to study more about Christ again and look for peace as I read.  I have realized that I need to learn how to "be still and know that I Am God".  I need more peace.

I find it refreshing and empowering to focus on Christ and all that is possible because of Him. I find it less overwhelming when I think about what HE can do and less about what I can't do.  My job is to do my part to make time for the things that invite the Spirit and strengthen my faith. 

"Look unto Me in every thought, doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6:36)  "It is mentally rigorous to do this but when we do, our doubts and fears flee." -President Nelson
This is a blessing I am going to work for.  This and all the blessings of God are available to all who diligently seek them.

Answers to our prayers.

I have SO many questions!  I know I'm in great company.  You, like me, are trying to decide what is best worth your time, what is most important, how to best reach this child or get along with that neighbor, etc, etc, etc!  I am sure we could all spout of a long list of questions!  Oh the questions!

That's good.  We are supposed to have questions.  We are supposed to ask them.  We are here to learn!

Recently I have learned somethings about revelation that I feel that I need to share.

When I plan to take a question to the Lord with the scriptures as my aid to revelation I write it down.  As I write the question, I will often have possible answers running through my head.  It's like I hear, this is a dumb thing to ask, you know what to do..."read your scriptures more", "be more understanding", "take them cookies" or things from books I've read will come to mind..."if your child is behaving this way it means they need to be validated", or "your spouse needs to consider your feelings too"...oh the list goes on!  So many answers from so many sources that it seems like I should already know what to do.  (yet I don't!)

So, I finish writing my question, pray about it and then proceed to read the Book of Mormon until I get my answer.  Which is never very long at all.  Heavenly Father is keenly aware my moment of silence could end any time. :)
What I have learned is summed up in the verse from Isaiah 55:8, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith The Lord."

Seriously, a few weeks ago, I sat at my kitchen table late and night just crying because I didn't want my answer to be my answer.  It was so hard to accept!  (tears as I type this.  so hard!)  I was tutored as I sat in that sacred space of learning.  It took some time but I was taught and I feel so grateful for the lessons I learned.  Yes, His ways are most definitely not our ways. 

I have never put myself in the following catagory because I don't have a PHD, but this scripture struck a strong spiritual chord for me.  -especially considering these experiences I have been having. 

2 Nephi 9:28 "...When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not.  And they shall perish."

Yikes!  That scripture came to my mind as I was pondering what I've learned.  I didn't find that on my own. 

Friends, we are all learning.  That is the plan.  Asking and receiving are also part of the plan.  "Ask and ye shall receive."  Don't assume you know what to do.  Yes, do your homework.  Remember that part of revelation is to ask God.  He is the Source! We are His children.  Lets embrace that role and treat Him like our Father.  Go to Him in faith, nothing wavering and believe that He will hear us and give us answers to our prayers.  

Every voice counts!

Maybe it’s all the Dr Suess books I’ve been reading lately and maybe it’s The Spirit working on me to speak up. Either way, the words from the book Horton Hears a Who have been ringing in my ears for months.

The Who’s were going to be boiled in beezle-nut juice! Boiled! It was an intense time for The Who’s. What did they do? The Mayor called an emergency meeting.  Everyone was called on to make noise because if the monkeys and kangaroos heard them, they would believe they were there and then they wouldn’t boil their dust speck. So every Who was needed. They were all making a crazy ruckus and the monkeys and kangaroos couldn't hear them. Well, everyone was making noise but JoJo. He was just standing there bouncing his yo-yo without making a sound. The mayor of the town found him and gave him a pep talk as they climbed to the highest point in their town. Then all that little Who does is shout out, “YOPP!”
That one YOPP was the difference. They were heard. The Who’s didn’t get boiled!
Want to know what the Mayor said to JoJo in his pep talk?
“We've got to make noise in greater amounts! So, open your mouth lad, for every voice counts!”

Sister Eubank during last October conference said, “The Prophets are speaking about women”.  She also closed her remarks with a quote by President Monson who said, “My dear Sisters, this is your day, this is your time”.
This has also been ringing in my ears. Why? Why women? Why now?
One thought I have is this: we live in a time when women have rights. We can speak and people will listen. We also have so many platforms. So. Many. Women have never seen a time such as this. It doesn’t matter where we live, what we do for work, our marital status or a plethora of other identifying characteristics. We can speak up!

You may be reading this and thinking, “I don’t have anything to say” or “I don’t know how to say it” or even, “who would listen to me?”, etc.
Well, what did JoJo say? :) Yeah, I’m pretty sure you and I can do better than that!

What are we spending our time on?  Does the yo-yo matter?  What are we defending?  Who are we defending?  What are we speaking about?

I find that as I am reading uplifting things...not the news, but good books, magazines, and of course, my core curriculum:conference talks and my scriptures (Bible and Book of Mormon); that inspiration comes.  If I couple that reading with activity, the inspiration is greater.  Activity is a broad word and that's the fun of it.  It can be anything ACTIVE.  Hiking, planting a garden, writing, sweeping my floor, crafting (not on a computer), serving...etc.  There is something about doing SOMETHING that wakes up our minds and our hearts.
The more time we spend in mind numbing activities, the harder it is to have our minds and hearts work together.  I'm pretty sure this is what the modern day mist of darkness is. I have this picture in my mind of the iron rod, the tree of life and the mist of darkness and everyone is holding their phones instead of the iron rod.  It scares me.  I am positive I am not the only one who has felt inspiration leave when I started mindlessly scrolling on my phone.  As soon as purpose and self control leave, so does the Spirit.

Sisters, we have been called on!  We have been asked to make noise in greater amounts!  Don't take my word for it.  READ THIS TALK given by President Russell M. Nelson, our current Prophet when he was the President of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles.  I want to quote the whole thing here.  It's that good.  This talk thrills me to the bone.  What a time we are living in!

Here is one thing that I will share: "Sisters, do you realize the breadth and scope of your influence as you speak those things that come into your mind as directed by the Spirit?"

In order for us to speak the words of the Spirit, we need to fuel the fire of our faith, increase our understanding and be AWAKE!

Sheri Dew said, " We are a sleeping giant ready to awake, for the sisters of Relief Society will increasingly become an anomaly in this world. And because of our cheerful and righteous differences, we will become a beacon and a magnet for countless good women everywhere who are looking for female role models who exhibit compassion and strength, charity and conviction—and who do so while remaining unsullied by the world.
Might we therefore covenant this very hour to work and watch and fight and pray. To work to strengthen ourselves spiritually every week of every month of every year. To watch over and fortify our families and our Church family so that within the stakes of Zion will exist the strength and unity to help us withstand Lucifer's minions. To fight the adversary in every arena. And to pray with increasing strength and confidence and faith. The Lord has never expected more of faithful women than He does now. But we would not be here if we were not up to the challenge."

Sheri Dew also said, "My Prayer tonight is that we can be..clear about our mission as women of God.  This isn't just a really nice church that teaches really nice ideas so that we can live really nice lives.  This is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, endowed with His power and charged with carrying His truth to the ends of the earth....May we lift our "voices as with the sound of a trump" (D&C 42:6).  May we find joy as we stand tall and stand together.  And may we "cheerfully do all things that lie in our power" (D&C 123:17), and then stand still to see the arm of God revealed as His work goes forward boldly and nobly until "it has...swept every county, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done."

My dear Sisters, my friends.  This is our time!  We are here now for a reason.  YOU are here for a reason!  Open your mouth!  Do something.  Say something.  Now is the time.
EVERY VOICE COUNTS!

Life lessons from my abs

So this one time, I was doing yoga, coaching myself to use my abs-you know, so I remember they are there. So, I tell myself, “engage your core” and then it hit me! It clicked!

Okay, if you know me at all, you probably know that I love a good analogy. I love the parallels between physical and spiritual things. So I’ve been thinking about my core and the link between physical and spiritual so much that I even brought this philosophical topic to our game night. I asked our friends; two of which are PTs, one is a cosmetologist and the other is a nurse, “how important is your core?” They responded with, “its everything!” “If I don’t have a strong core, my back kills by the end of the day”, “I have to regularly work at it or I feel a difference”, "I'm sure that's why my back hurts so much", "working at your core can remedy so many problems", etc.

My own experience with my abs is that if I take time to do even 15 minutes of an exercise in the morning, it is so much easier for me to use them throughout the day. Otherwise, I have to really work at it. Lets me real here, I'm really just “sucking in” my stomach and pretending like I'm using my muscles. So yeah, most of the time I just pretend that my abs are holding me together but really, I'm just faking it.  I know regularly exercising my abs is vital and yet, on a good week, recently, I've done it once.  Lame.

Well, even after this game night conversation I still couldn’t quite put my finger on the connection. Until I heard myself say, “engage your core”.  

Here are some things I’ve learned:

We have a spiritual core. Everyone does. It’s who we are, it’s our connection to God and Christ. 

The more we work at this spiritual core, the stronger it will be. 

The strength of our core affects everything. 

When we neglect our core, we feel a difference. 

It’s so much easier or more possible to engage a core that I exercise!
Knowing that we need to do something is only the start.  Action must be taken.

Faking it is way more work and harder on me.  Spiritually, it takes its tole.

Let me insert something from my spiritual experience.  There have been times in my life when I have felt very centered.  I was doing things I knew strengthened my relationship with God.  Because of this, I felt more confident in my daily life.  There really was a difference.  I am sure you can look back over your life to times and seasons that were like that as well.  If you can't, you can experiment! If you are like me and you know you can do better, now is the time.

How do I exercise or strengthen my spiritual core?

Some ways that have come to my mind come from two talks.

Sister Eubank and President Nelson 

Answer the questions that Sister Eubank puts out:
*How do you feel about Jesus Christ?
*Why do you stay in the Church?
*Why do you believe the Book of Mormon is scripture?
*Where do you get your peace?
*Why does it matter that the prophet has something to say in [2018]?
*How do you know he is a real prophet?

President Nelson suggests we study the scriptures on Jesus Christ from the Topical Guide and memorize The Living Christ document. 

Our core focus should always be Christ! Engage your core! Exercise it and then use it!

What does that look like to you? What are you doing? What commitments or covenants are you keeping? Remember, this makes all the difference. It affects everything!

I'm grateful for my abs and the lessons they've taught me.

My Sunday Face

Today I couldn't find my Sunday face.  I really tried. It's pretty lame that I felt like I had to find it.  It's like I'm afraid to show anyone that I'm having a hard time.

I guess part of the problem is that I am not even sure what is going on in my head.  So I just sat there on my pew and cried.  I couldn't stop.  I tried to hide behind the head of my 2 year old but as the meeting was getting closer to the end, I was feeling embarrassed.  I didn't want everyone asking me what was wrong and expecting answers-answers that if I tried to give them, I would just cry.

I left.

Some would agree that this was the right thing to do.  Some would call me a baby.  It doesn't matter what anyone thinks.  I needed to leave.  I wanted to leave.  I took the two babies and we went home. 

They slept and I cried and slept.

I thought a lot about what was wrong and goodness, "why the drama?!"

I realized that this week marks 6 years since we had our angel baby, Lily.  Six!

A memory of a therapy session came to my mind, the therapist taught me that my heart and mind will always remember her.  I won't know why I'm crying and then I will realize that it's anniversary time. 

That's exactly what happened today.  

I think it was worse because there has been so much going on around here that I've neglected to do anything refreshing for myself.  -not much sleep, no Temple, no walking, no piano playing, no getting swallowed up in a good book...too much sugar, too much stress and not enough healthy coping.  

I've been so busy meeting the needs of my family that now I'm at this low point where I can't even find a Sunday face to save my life.

These times can be defining.  It's good.  I needed to realize these things, especially right now before we jump back into full time home school. Mom matters.  Dad matters.  Child-centered parenting is not healthy on the long term.  Making the things happen that refresh my soul is pretty dern important and it needs to be done to the degree that it is enough.  I have been doing some things but I give a lot. I've got to make sure that I'm full up so I can continue to do the things that I feel inspired and excited to do.

What fills your bucket?

Writing is one of mine.  So, thanks for letting me share.